Sunday, June 9th, was our first annual Intentional Humor Sunday. Too often we forget to be full of joy before God. So we planned a service that would make even the most staid person giggle!
The following jokes were part of the sermon; hope you enjoy them as much as the congregation did!
Noah's Top 10
10. Strange! We haven't seen another boat for weeks.
9. If only I'd brought along more rhino litter!
8. How many times around this place makes a mile?
7. I never want to sleep in a waterbed again.
6. I wonder what my friends are doing right now?
5. An outboard motor would have made this more exciting.
4. Fish for supper-again?
3. Does anyone have more Dramamine?
2. What? You don't have film to photograph the rainbow?
1. I should have killed those darn mosquitoes when I had the chance!
-Pastor Paul W. Kummer, Grace Lutheran Church, Destin, Florida
(p. 5 in Cal and Rose Samra, "More Holy Humor", 1997, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
You Might Be A Preacher If...
1. You ever hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.
3. You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.
4. You're leading the church in the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday.
5. You jiggle all the comode handles at the church before you leave.
6. People sleep when you're talking.
7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
8. You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's or elder's neck.
9. You often feel like you're herding mules rather than shepherding sheep.
-Pastor Stan Toler and Mark Hollingsworth
(p. 26-27, "More Holy Humor")
Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn
10. The pot roast
9. What does the pastor wear under his or her robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes 'till kick off.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than me?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
-Rev. Paul Lintern, Zion Lutheran Church, Doylestown, OH
(p. 130 from "Holy Humor" by Cal and Rose Samra, 1997 Thomas Nelson Publishing)
Top 7 Things Never Heard in Church
7. "Hey, it's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
6. "Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
5. "I've decided to give our church the five hundred dollars a month that I used to give to televangelists."
4. "I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the junior high Sunday School class."
3. "I love it when we sing songs that I've never heard before."
2. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
1. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign."
(p. 211 "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson, 1999 Word Publishing)
During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists at once gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Everyone into the water."
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring fire was evil, because it was the natural abode of the devil.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Everyone for themselves!"
The Seventh-Day Adventists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of an angry God!"
The Christian Scientists agreed among themselves that there really was not a fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the next session.
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out in good order.
The Unitarian-Universalists concluded that the fire had as much right to be there as anyone else.
The Catholics passed a collection plate to cover the damages.
From Steve Allen (p. 133-4, "Holy Humor")
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Their hands are already in the air
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has preordained when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor or against the need for a light bulb, however, if, in your journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and two or three committees to approve the change. Also bring a casserole.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Rick Flynn as printed at the website, "Virtual Church of the Blind Chihuahua"
What if God had an answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for a request. Press 2 for a thanksgiving. Press 3 to complain. For all other inquiries, press 4."
So you press 1 and hear: "We're sorry. All of the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."
What would it be like if you heard the following responses as you called God's answering machine?
To receive the latest promotional gifts with your order from Paradise Parlor, press 0 and an operator will assist you.
To find out how many angels dance on the head of a pin, press 5.
If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6.
To find out if your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows.
For reservation information or to confirm your reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
To know what your pastor is doing at this moment, press 7.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is, wait till you get here!
If you want to know what I think of American politics, don't press anything. Hang up and listen for laughter.
Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately.
The office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday!
(p. 129, "More Holy Humor")
Baseball Psalm
The Lord is my Manager; I shall not quit.
He maketh me to run in green outfields.
He leadeth me along the straight basepaths.
He restoreth my place in the heavenly lineup.
He leadeth me in reading life's signals for His game's sake.
Even though I walk up to a volley of devilish pitches,
I will fear no strikeout, for Thou art with me.
Thou dost promise me a bonus in the presence of my opponents.
Thou anointest my sore spots with balm, my locker runneth over.
Surely my statistics will be forgiven me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the Eternal Hall of Fame.
Barbara Loots, Kansas City, MO (p. 88-9, "Holy Humor")